Max and his super seedy seven, had it in for me from the beginning. A few years ago, he started a rumor that I was a womanizer and a drunk. He told Conan, in a private conversation that I taped with the surveillance equipment I bought from Andy Richter, just prior to when he 'quit', that I couldn't be trusted and that it was either Max goes, or I go.
Conan, lacking the 'conad's', believed all the lies and began a conspiracy with NBC to have me thrown off the set and out of show business altogether. Well, Conad, this is not over, it is far from not over.
Hire me back, bring me back, give me a salary increase or your days as the quintessential queen of the night will be tarnished beyond polishable recognition. WATCH OUT! Oh, baby, watch out. You too Max. You too.
(You know it was the Weinberg 8 at one point . . . bastards, all of you)
I mean this is what I'm talking about. First the guy fires me for allegedly 'consuming inordinate amounts of toxic chemicals', then he takes a million bucks from the Canadian taxpayer.
Conan, you're a sinking ship.
For further insight into Conan's latest trip to Canada, I'll quote Sean Connery from his most recent appearance on the Conan O'Brien show, "I'm waiting to be impressed"
Conan Obrien Ruined My Career - Is It?
"Hello Canada, I am Conan O'Brien and it's great to be here."
"Blah Blah Blah"
"My head is huge!"
(CONAN shakes his head in manic directions)
"In Canada, it's even bigger because of the exchange rate!"
"Oh man, that's funny. Pieoue, 2 for 2! Bam. (CONAN simulates shooting a pistol from both hands). I am on the rool. . . Did I just say rool? Conan has been dipping into the sweet green grass of the true north if you know what I mean, eh? " (CONAN simulates smoking a doobie).
"Can you dig it? I am digging the digs here in Canada. Hey, have you heard about this game that we Americans like to play? It's called 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon. It's where you try to connect Kevin Bacon to another actor within 6 people. Like, uh, Kevin Bacon and Morgan Freeman. Kevin Bacon was in Mystic River with Tim Robbins, Tim Robbins was in the Shawshank Redemption with Morgan Freeman. Now get this, I found out this afternoon, and this is really interesting, that Canadians have their own version of this game. They call their game, "Hey look how many of these people are my cousins." Eiouyyoo."
"No seriously folks, have you heard about this? This is a true story Apparently most Americans cannot locate the country of Canada on a map. No it's true. It is sad, but true. When polled, most Americans think that Canada is a suburb of Minneapolis. Of course, to be fair, the questions were asked by Canadians and for the most part, the Americans couldn't understand what the hell you were saying. . . eh?"
[Laugh Track - subdoed]
"Oh, hit a nerve there eh? Pinched off a little of the back bacon eh? Going to send the mounties after me eh? . . . no you won't, you'll get mad for a second and then YOU will apologize to me, admit it!"
[CONAN IS DOG PILLED BY A TEAM OF ROUDY BEER DRINKING CANADIANS AND THE SHOW IS POSTPONED FOR 3 WEEKS. FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE PILE, CONAN CAN BE HEARD MUMBLING UTTERANCES ABOUT THE SIZE OF HIS HEAD AND THE COLOR OF HIS BELLY]
Oh yah, big talker Conan O'Brien thinks he's all that. "Hey, I'm the funny guy with crazy hair!". "Hey, look at me, I make 8 million bucks a year and I'm really tall!". "Oh, I'm so cool and I'm so Kingly, so king me!".
I've heard it all before Conan. ALL OF IT!
You see, I used to work for the self-proclaimed "Hot Dog of Late Night Delights". Mr. Conan O'Brien himself. I was the head writer even. I was the man who brought him the fame, it's too bad he never brung the fortune.
Oh sure, he's mister funny man 'Cone-Dog' on television, but in real life, he is a lying, cheating, backstabbing, scene-stealing, chubby, short, brunette with a penchant for marachino cherries. Come on Cone-Dog, let your hair down!
So I will dedicate myself to the truth telling and the lie detecting for the bad boy of late night known to all as Conan, but to me as 'Job Crusher'.
Conan, you did it once too often, and now you're on your way to the wrath of truth. Bring me what you got Cone, cause I've got the ice cream and a side of sprinkles.
this site is in no way affiliated with, sponsored by or under the approval of NBC or the Conan O'Brien show. Although it should be Seeing as how I was turfed without thought or consideration seven weeks before my wife gives birth to our second child, but regardless, Conan has not approved this site and it bites my ass just to have to validate his sorry ass to even mention that I could possibly even need his approval. The bastard.